Relationships Are Hard Work
Ensuring that your relationship is healthy can be difficult. Nobody is perfect. These are some of the most common mistakes people make when navigating their love life—and some tips on how to fix them.
Trying To Change Your Partner
If you enter into a relationship with the mindset of "I'm going to change him/her/them," you're already off to a rocky start. No amount of love can make a person change. In fact, your partner might even resent you for not accepting them as they are.
Trying To Change Your Partner: Solution
Your partner doesn't exist to meet your needs. If you're trying to change them into an ideal partner, you're setting yourself up for failure. The solution is simple.
Before even entering into a relationship, assess the situation. If you can't accept the person as they are, then they probably aren't right for you. Waiting for them to change or trying to change them is never the answer.
Failing To Set Boundaries
Neglecting to set boundaries in your relationship can do more harm than good. Communicating with your partner about your expectations and how you want to be treated is essential. Many choose to remain silent about their boundaries, which will only lead to heartache in the long run.
Failing To Set Boundaries: The Solution
You have to communicate with your partner any time they say or do something that makes you apprehensive. Instead of reprimanding them, however, try using a caring tone.
For instance, you might say, "Instead of doing 'X,' I'd appreciate it if you did 'Y.'"
Or a more direct approach: "No matter the situation—even if we're just playing—please don't resort to rude name-calling."
Not Voicing Important Concerns
Nobody is perfect—and your partner is no exception. You can't go through life pretending that they never do anything wrong. However, criticizing their every move is also detrimental. Either extreme could lead to resentment and frustration.
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Not Voicing Important Concerns: The Solution
The solution to this problem may take time. You have to discern which situations need to be addressed, and which ones should be let go. If you stay quiet about the small things that annoy or anger you, resentment can grow over time—even turning into major regrets.
A Lack Of Independence
Co-dependence is not a good thing. It can make some people feel like they've lost their true selves in their relationship. It's important to remember that each of you have to work at maintaining your own independence.
A Lack Of Independence: The Solution
As much as you enjoy spending time with your partner, it's important to spend time alone or with other people that are important to you. Dedicate time to your hobbies and make your own goals. Tend to your friendships and other interests. You may be in a relationship, but it does not define your life.
Making Promises That Are Not Realistic
If you make unrealistic promises to your partner, there's a good chance that you're setting yourself up for failure. If you break promises in your relationship, you're breaking down trust. Without trust, a relationship will fail.
Making Promises That Are Not Realistic: The Solution
For instance, don't say, "I promise nothing will ever harm you." Instead, say, "I'll do my best to keep you out of harm's way."
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Forgetting To Prioritize Romance
Physical touch is so important to maintaining your relationship. Our brains responds to touch so much more the we realize. If a couple has stopped giving one another physical affection, their relationship may be headed towards a breakup.
Forgetting To Prioritize Romance: The Solution
Implement physical touch into your everyday routines. For instance, make sure to kiss your partner goodbye, and greet them with a hug when you see them again. Even little gestures can make a big difference: holding their hand on a walk, squeezing their knee while you take transit, or leaning your head on their shoulder while you watch a movie.
Trying To Please Your Partner All The Time
Many people put too much effort into pleasing their partner. Unfortunately, though there's loving intention behind this, it often leads to unrealistic expectations. You can't be perfect or accomodating all the time, but setting up the expectation that you can be will only lead to disappointment. Even worse?
If there's only one partner putting in all of the effort.
Trying To Please Your Partner All The Time: The Solution
Instead of trying to please your partner 100% of the time, redirect that effort into yourself. Be the best person you can be, and it well benefit both of you. Of course, doing something special once in a while is a great practice, but you should never burn yourself out in the attempt to keep a partner happy.
Not Communicating Your Changing Needs
As time passes, your goals, wants, and needs will inevitably change. Couples can face change together and grow together—but sometimes they grow apart instead. If you're not communicating your feelings with your partner, you'll become disconnected.
Not Communicating Your Changing Needs: The Solution
Check in with your partner regularly. Have those deep discussions even if they might be difficult. Talk about finances, jobs, children, and long-term goals. Never stop learning about one another. If your partner is going through a big shift in their life, be the support they need—and vice versa.
Failing To Appreciate The Little Things
It might be easy to measure your relationship by the major milestones and achievements. However, in reality, your life together will boil down to the little things. If you stop appreciating the mundane, but beautiful, aspects of your relationship, you could be in big trouble.
Failing To Appreciate The Little Things: Solution
Be grateful for you partner and practice gratitude whenever you can. Gestures that are as small as cleaning up the kitchen or holding open the door should be recognized. Even a simple "thank you" does more than you think. Seemingly mundane acts of servitude may seem like nothing, but they help keep your little ship afloat.
Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose
Many people equate drama and passionate fights with excitement. If you have a comfortable relationship, starting a fight might make it seem more enlivened. But making something out of nothing is a slippery slope.
Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose
The urge to instigate fighting can be rooted in childhood trauma. If you witnessed your parents fighting on a regular basis, they might be the only model for a relationship you have to work with.
Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose
For some, seeing your partner emotional or angry might be a form of validation. It means they actually care. On the other hand, some may experience a "high" while fighting, which might become addictive. In an unhealthy relationship, one person might enjoy the feeling of being in control or dominating their partner in a fight.
Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose: The Solution
When starting arguments, try being self-aware. Arguments can be positive if they're done in a calm, communicative way, with each partner actively listening to one another. However, if you're fighting for the sake of fighting, it becomes damaging rather than healing.
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Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose: The Solution
If you realize that you "enjoy" fighting with your partner because of the "high" and the excitement, that might be something to address within yourself. You could be setting up a pattern within your relationship that will only destroy it—even if it scratches an "itch" in the short-term.
Creating Drama And Fighting On Purpose: The Solution
Finally, if you think that your partner wants to fight with you to exercise their control over you, the red flags should be flying. If the fighting and domination is hurting you, this might be a sign for you to exit the abusive relationship.
